Not a Christian
by SteelDolls
Summary: Len and Luka have a conversation about music and songs they like on the radio and why, while driving. Non-graphic mentions of past trauma and differing religious beliefs.


"Oh!" Len said suddenly, "I like that song, leave it there."

Luka paused in her hand's movement to switch the radio station again, and glanced over at Len with surprise and a sudden, unexpected delight.

"I didn't know you liked this kind of music, Len!" Luka smiled, pleased with his comment. "I figured you'd think this kind of Christian stuff would be too sappy or overly religious. I'm surprised you like it! I didn't realize you believed in God."

Len was silent for a moment, thinking about how to answer that, as the heartwarming strains of melody played from the speakers, lyrics rising to a crescendo to illustrate the grace of an omnipotent, omnipresent, all-loving creator.

"That's not exactly it, Luka," Len said quietly, smiling at the music. "It's not that I'm a Christian. I don't really believe that there's a God out there who knows and controls everything, and who loves me."

Luka frowned a little bit as she concentrated on driving, eyes on the road. "Then... why? Do you just like the sound of the song?" She sounded a little disappointed despite herself. She thought there might be something new that Len could share with her, and it was a little unhappy to be disappointed in losing this new, deeply important commonality.

"No, I like the song, but... it's a little complicated to explain, and I'm not sure I can do it properly," Len replied, staring out the window and watching the environment flash by. "You probably won't understand even if I really try, and I can tell you care a lot about this kind of thing. I don't want to upset you by messing it up."

"Just try," Luka said after a moment. "I promise I'll listen, and I won't be upset. Even if I don't understand, I'd like to try. Tell me?"

Glancing over, Len nodded a little, frowning. His eyes glanced at the radio. The song really was beautiful.

"I guess I like this kind of thing because... it reminds me of something. Something I think is important, that I want, really badly," The blonde sighed and ran a hand over his short hair. "I mean, yes, I don't believe that there's a God like they sing about in these kinds of songs. I'd like to, I really, really would like to. But...

"When there's a time that comes, where... something really bad happens, and you... you pray, with everything that you have. And you... you'd give everything you are, everything good that ever happened to you in your life, to just stop existing, if only it can make the bad thing stop...

"If you /know/, feeling like... you're screaming, with everything that you are, that if something, someone, would just help you, you'd sing its praises forever and ever, love it forever, believe in it forever, do or be anything it wanted, and be grateful, belong to it forever...

"And... nothing, nobody, no God, answers you, and the pain goes on and doesn't, doesn't stop... and you can feel something break, and it doesn't heal, ever... when nobody answers you, that's when you know that there's nobody, there's no God out there. Not like... not like in these songs, anyways." Len was quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts.

Luka's eyes were wide on the road. She breathed softly, quietly, quickly, afraid to look over at the younger boy sitting beside her, not knowing what to do or how to respond. What he was saying, she wanted to comfort him, wanted to help him, but she didn't know how. How could he be "broken"? He was Len, he was normal, not broken, not unfixable. Every day he smiled at her and chatted about things, friendly. He was just like everyone else. Wasn't he?

She didn't understand. Or maybe, maybe he was the one who didn't understand. Maybe if she talked to him, explained..? Told him, it was just because he didn't see the bigger picture? Would that help him? But he was opening his mouth again, and continued to speak as she kept her silence.

"These kinds of songs... they say things like, you won't be broken, that you'll always heal, that bad things... they're a test. That there's someone looking out for you who loves you, even more than... but... I guess, the real reason I like this kind of thing, well, it's not because I believe in it, not anymore. I won't ever be able to believe in it again, but... it reminds me. Of times before I knew that bad, unfixable things happen... it reminds me of a state of mind, where people can live in a way where they're allowed to believe in that sort of thing. Feeling loved. Feeling... safe. I guess... that's why. Because I want that. Maybe it's stupid."

Len trailed off, deep in his thoughts for a long moment. Then he cracked his usual quirky, sunny smile at Luka, that she saw out of the corner of her eye. "Sooo, now that I've said all that, should I go ahead and sing some appropriately emo song cover for you to really make the mood?" He laughed lightly and grinned again, apparently in a good humor once more.

Luka slowed the car down and glanced at him soberly as she pulled over to the side of the road. "Len..."

"Why are we stopping?" Len looked suddenly concerned at the pink-haired girl. "What's wrong, Luka? Is there something with the car?"

"No... I just..." Luka stared at her friend in silence. "If you... want to talk about it..."

Looking at her thoughtfully, Len smiled. "Thanks, but... it's okay. Is that why you stopped? You had me worried for a minute there. ...We've got a deadline, so I think we should get back on schedule on the road, though. We don't want to be late to pick Miku and Kaito up from the airport. Right? There's still a ways to go."

Luka nodded slowly, but didn't look too happy with the response. Turning the blinker back on, she pulled back into traffic. A new song came on through the radio, and Len's face lit up in another pleased, happy-looking grin.

"Oh! I like this one, too," he said, as they continued to drive, the sound of uplifting music breaking the silence.


End file.
